Today is the last, full day on campus of my Junior year. JUNIOR YEAR. Holy Spanish Jesus seven day candle. All of a sudden, not only am I an upperclassman, but I am now going to be a Senior. Not just a Senior - but a senior who is a member of APO, a poet, feminist, cast in a mainstage, actor-combatant Senior. In short, exactly who high school/freshman/underclassman Shelby always wanted to be.
I try to think that I can't possibly be old or mature enough to be all of those things and then I remember - yep,
- I'm twenty-one and have legally bought alcohol in my fridge right now.
- And that I have the down payment for my apartment next year.
- That I probably will be applying for full-time jobs in New York City next year
- (or even have one by then!).
- I'll be graduating college in a year.
Another new thing in my life? Matilda the musical. Ten year old me would have OWNED that role. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. I guess that's out of my age range though, as young as I can play - all I can hope for now is to someday play Miss Honey. Me and my roommate Jess love driving around in her car Florence and blaring "When I Grow Up".
And when I grow up,
I will eat sweets every day,
On the way to work, and I will
Go to bed late every night.
And I will wake up
When the sun comes up, and I
Will watch cartoons until my eyes go square,
And I won't care 'cause I'll be all grown up.
That sounds exactly like college. Does that mean I'm grown up? Really, actually a grown-up? Is that the definition I'm looking for? I was offered a scholarship to take a fantastic workshop this summer and I had to turn it down because of grown-up reasons of money and the what-ifs. I fell in love and let him go because he got the "what-will" and I'm still holding out for a "what-if" post-graduation, when we wind up in the city together then. Being unemployed, about to move back home with my parents, on the verge of another wave of depression from being unemployed and living in a town that made me miserable and allergic for eighteen years and the summer after freshman year; it doesn't make me feel very grown-up.
I will be strong enough to carry all
The heavy things you have to haul
Around with you when you're a grown up.
I know I'm not incredibly talented. I don't have enough training. My resume's still sparse and I don't have a job for this summer either to help bulk it up a bit. This past semester in particular has been all of my flaws and bad quirks slapped in my face. I've never been in love with someone. I'm not very comfortable or okay with the fact that in a year, I have to grow up from being the college theatre dork, get a real job and be that sort of grown-up.
Then again, I'm also now certified to play with swords and sticks, beat people up and I can read my future so I guess I can be brave if I know how to defend myself from what's coming up and coming up fast.
When I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
That you have to fight beneath the bed
Each night to be a grown up.
I kicked ass auditioning I suppose, considering I was cast in Stop the World, I Want to Get Off! I didn't end up joining the Improv group but I did learn some improv skills thanks to the ULCT. I'll keep these goal for next year and hopefully, I'll be cast in Rent, The Shape of Things and The Comedy of Errors. I became a full-fledged poet, started a webseries that may never be finished...and STAGE COMBAT.
How the hell did I become an Actor-Combatant and dual-minoring in Combat Movement in a year? It seems that from the moment I stepped on campus, that was something I set out to do: TCA, the dance classes, Voice and Movement, workshops, working with Prof. Terry and Prof. Steve...I am really proud of doing stage combat, more than anything else except for maybe Stop the World this year. I'm not done with it yet though - I have another year's worth of work to do before I graduate with that minor and to get my Rec passes in Unarmed, Quarterstaff and Broadsword (also, rapier & dagger?).
|the Junior class...|
Just because you find that life's not fair, it
Doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it.
If you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change.
Just because I find myself in this story,
It doesn't mean that everything is written for me.
If I think the ending is fixed already,
I might as well be saying I think that it's OK,
And that's not right!